What Effect Does ADHD Have on Relationships?

Among the most frustrating aspects of adult Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is the detrimental effect it can have on a person’s ability to form and maintain healthy relationships.

Impulse control problems and distractibility can be challenging for both the person with ADHD and the non-afflicted partner – but by no means should adult ADHD been seen as precluding a person’s ability to have meaningful friendships or intimate relationships.

No two couples will ever have identical experiences, but certain pieces of general information can nonetheless be valuable to anyone who hopes to be an active and positive participant in a romantic relationship.

For adults with ADHD and their partners, the following 10 tips can help make the difference between interpersonal frustration and a wonderful connection:

Work together. If one partner has ADHD, both partners are affected – which means that both should be involved in the treatment plan. Educate yourselves about the nature of ADHD, develop strategies for dealing with the disorder, and ensure that both partners are getting the support they need.
Communicate. Communication is an important element in any relationship, but when dealing with a disorder such as ADHD, it is essential. You and your partner need to practice open and honest communication that addresses successes and setbacks, fears and frustrations. Discuss your strengths and weaknesses, and find ways to accommodate both. As you continue to talk talk, review your progress in order to identify small problems before they become significant obstacles.
Be supporting. People with ADHD often have trouble following through with what they intend to do, including sticking to their treatment plans. The person in the relationship who doesn't have ADHD can do several things to help the other person stick to their plan and honor their agreements. Try to find ways of reminding that are effective, but aren't nagging. There are a lot of suggestions about how to change the environment to help the person.
Make Lists. When things are written down, they're a lot harder to forget. Make lists of things to do in a day or over the weekend. Establish a place in the house (for example, a desktop message sheet or a magnetic reminder board on the refrigerator) where you can leave written reminders about activities that need to be completed.
Differentiate between the disorder and the person. Some personality traits are caused by ADHD and others are just personality traits. Don't blame all of your (or your partner's) problems on ADHD, because the disorder isn’t responsible for every problem you are having. Recognize which traits are symptomatic of ADHD and which are just personality traits – and remind yourself that this is a relationship between two people, not a person and a behavior disorder.
Remain vigilant. All relationships have complications, and ones in which one partner has ADHD are no exception. If you are feeling resentment toward your partner, discuss these feelings in a calm and honest manner. Attempting to stifle your emotions will just lead to greater resentment and an angry outburst later on. It is important to discuss how you feel and ways to make things better.
Make time for each other. Make sure you have time just to be together. Take a weekend away, spend a Saturday afternoon at home or take each other out to dinner during the week. Taking the time to let your partner know how much you care is always a good idea.
Be quick to praise and slow to blame. Remind your partner (and yourself) of the wonderful qualities that first attracted you to this person. Regardless of whether you’re the one with ADHD, you should be sharing positive words with your partner on a daily basis. Praise your partner when things go well – and being reluctant to assign blame when things don’t go so well – will go a long way toward solidifying your relationship.
Keep your sense of humor. When you have the choice between laughing and crying, try laughing. No person is without flaws, and no couple is perfect -- but the ones that laugh often have an easier time accepting (and celebrating) the wonderful facets that make us human.
Get outside help. There is no shame in seeking professional help when things are getting to tough to address on your own. Consulting a therapist isn’t a sign of failure or an admission of defeat – it’s evidence that you think your relationship is worth the effort.